June 6, 2006

GRINDHOUSE AFICIONADO: WHAT THE HELL? 6/6/06 EDITION!

WHAT THE HELL?

Jesus, Vampires, and Boobs, oh my!

Well, it’s 12:08 a.m. on 6/6/06. I have a cup of coffee and a half bottle of Tequila sitting next to me, and I am contemplating the historical and theological significance of today’s date. I had been channel surfing this evening and stumbled across the God Channel. It was sandwiched between a Mexican crime picture and a Girls Gone Wild infomercial, and featured a sweaty televangelist with gravity defying hair, ranting about the coming apocalypse. Now I know, they’ve been talking about that for thousands of years and we are still waiting. But come on folks, the date today is 666!

So what if today really is the beginning of the “End Days” that they talk about in the book of Revelation! Do I have time to run out and buy my copy of Cemetery Man? Or should I stay home, with the shades drawn and wait for the coming apocalypse?

I don’t know, it all sounds like a big drag to me. I’m busy enough as it is. I need to finish my next installment of Grindhouse Aficionado; my daughter has an orthodontist appointment this afternoon, not to mention I’m in the middle of an art show… I don’t have time for the end of the world!

So I decide to take a slug of Patron Anejo, watch a couple of movies, and see what happens in the morning.

In case you are wondering what to watch on 6/6/06, you could watch The Exorcist or the Omen, but I decided to go a different route…

I want to see Jesus fighting Vampires! I want to see El Santo helping out the Son of God and drop kick those vampires back to Hell! I want to see evil Nuns, and horney Priests! I want to see boobs and blood and bad girls getting spanked, and I want to see Lovecraftian Elder Gods made out of paper mache eat naked, nubile young women…

That’s how I want to spend my last days!

So first up – Jesus Christ Vampire Hunter.

Ok, let’s get this out of the way first. This is a bad movie! But, it is also a fun movie! It basically looks like somebody’s student film. The film was shot without sync sound and all of the dialogue was dubbed in during post production. It’s kind of annoying, but it adds to the cheese factor. The fight scenes are lame, the sets are horrible, but I still love this movie!

Here’s the basic premise-

Vampires can now walk in the sunlight, thanks to skin grafts (though I suspect it was a plot device so the production didn’t have to shoot night scenes), and they are killing all the lesbians in Ottawa. The local diocese calls upon Jesus Christ himself to help with the problem. But the Son of God is having his ass kicked by these bloodsucking daywalkers, so he enlists the help of Mary Magnum and El Santo to help him kill these spawn of Satan.

See: Jesus defeat the vampires with his heavy duty garlic breath!

Marvel: At a mohawked priest!

Thrill: At El Santo’s lethargic fighting style!

All in all, this is a quirky film that doesn’t take itself too seriously.

Next up – The Halfway House.

This is easily my favorite of the bunch. Kenneth J. Hall is not only a really nice guy, but he is a hell of a filmmaker! It’s a shame that there are no more Drive-In’s around, because he has made the ultimate Drive-In Movie!

This film has it all

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Evil Nuns, a horny priest who loves to spank naughty girls, more bare breasts then a Girls Gone Wild Photo Shoot, fist fucking, cop fucking, a girl almost getting her cherry popped by a lubed up statue of the Virgin Mary, and top that off with a hungry one eyed monster with an appetite for young nubile flesh and you have an exploitation masterpiece!

I love this movie! It takes elements from all my favorite genres- Women Prison Movies, Nunsploitation, Gore films, and Monster movies, and then mixes them all together into a beautifully crafted, fun, film.

The movie opens with an incredibly hot chick jogging along the streets of L.A. She ends up being kidnapped and fed to a monster. Later on, her equally hot sister is looking for her and decides to go undercover at the Mary Magdalen Halfway House for Troubled Girls. It seems that a lot of girls have gone missing in the facility and big Sis is suspicious and wants to check it out. What follows is a 90 minute thrill ride of boobs, blood, and bare asses! Ken Hall Rules!

Well, it’s still a couple hours before dawn, and no sign of the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse. It looks like I’ll have time to finish my Grindhouse column after all.

Sleep tight and have a happy and safe 666.

-Kevin Klemm