May 1, 2005

WELCOME TO THE VAULT OF THE FORGOTTEN AND OBSCURE!!!

ALTHOUGH THESE OVERLOOKED FOOTNOTES OF MOVIEDOM HAVE BEEN LOST IN THE ANNULS OF FILM HISTORY, THEY STILL EXIST IN THE MEMORY OF OUR CINEMATIC SUBCONCIOUS!

THESE ARE THE FILMS YOU DONT REMEMBER THE NAMES OF, BUT ARE SURE YOU SAW THEM!

THESE ARE THE FILMS WHO’S TV SPOTS SCARED YOU WHEN YOU WERE A CHILD!

THESE ARE THE FILMS THAT WERE MADE IN A TIME WHEN MOST OF THE COUNTRY WAS COKED UP!

SOME ARE HITS. MOST ARE MISSES. BUT EVEN THE FAILURES ARE SO SPECTACULAR, THEY CANNOT BE DENIED!

DO YOU DARE ENTER THE VAULT OF THE FORGOTTEN AND OBSCURE??? READ ON, AT YOUR OWN PERIL! -JSYN.

C.H.U.D. /1984/ d: Douglas Cheek
Cannibalistic Humanoid Underground Dwellers. Any self respecting horror fan should know that acronym. It’s like our secret password. I’ll explain this movie using a simple math equation: bums + toxic waste = CHUDS. They live in the sewers of New York, along with the alligators. If any movie screams for a remake, it’s C.H.U.D. There is really something special about the look of this movie… I sort of miss the grimy, sleazy NYC from the 80’s I guess. Every time I’m walking in the city and I see steam wafting up to the street through the manhole covers, I will always think of you, CHUD! <sniff>

FRIGHT FACT! The CHUDS have the dubious distinction of forever being immortalized in animation. They had a cameo in an episode of The Simpsons where they ended up in New York! At one point Marge exclaims to Homer that, “…there is more to New York than just pimps and CHUDs!” -5/05

BLOOD DINER /1987/ d: Jackie Kong

Here’s a nice little nugget of naughty that was sort of an unofficial follow-up to Herschell Gordon Lewis’ “Blood Feast”. It’s kind of the the no-frills version of Peter Jackson’s Patented Brand of Black Comedy. It’s about two brothers that run a diner where they serve people. Har har har! Get it? “Serve” people? …yeahthatwasbadIknow…. um, it’s got a talking brain in a jar and a half naked chick with a big mouth in her stomach. Anything else you need to know? Good, now go find it.

FRIGHT FACT! Actor Carl Crew went on to write and star in a film about Jeffery Dahmer, a crazy guy who killed and ate people. Weird! -5/05

DON’T GO IN THE WOODS /1982 /d: James Bryan

I’ve seen many movies of questionable entertainment value in my life, but I shit you not, this has to be by far the closest a person can come to recreating the sensation of having splinters of fiberglass lodged deep within their eyeballs without doing any actual ocular damage. It has some thing to do with a group of the most unattractive, random people in Utah being slaughtered by what appears to be a homeless wrestler collecting cans. On top of that, add “cinematography” by what had to be a cross-eyed, drunken community college student with ADD and a Super 8. If that wasn’t punishment enough, find a learning-disabled, tone-deaf 8 year old with Torrettes missing 3 fingers on each hand and give him a broken Casio with dying “D” cell batteries to bang on for an hour and a half. The single redeeming factor in this hodgepodge of insanity was the wildly out of place song over the end credits. If you haven’t heard moronic folk music played on a broken Casio with dying D cell batteries, go ahead and just punch yourself in the face. It’s less painful.

FRIGHT FACT! Mike C, you glorious bastard, you win the prize! Enjoy your time as president S.O.B, but be warned… I’ll make it my life’s goal to usurp your throne and find an even WORSE movie to torture our friends with! -5/05

PRISON /1988/ d: Renny Harlin

This one is interesting, directed by Renny Harlin (DIE HARD 2, and ummmm… DRIVEN. EXORCIST: THE BEGINNING. CLIFFHANGER. oh boy. I should have stopped at DIE HARD 2) and starring the man without whom Matthew McConaghy would not have a career, Viggo Mortensen (yeah, Aragorn from LOTR). It’s actually filled with many familiar faces, like that dude Zues who fought Hulk Hogan in the wrestling movie, NO HOLDS BARRED. Anyway it’s about a haunted prison and it wasn’t too bad. Has anyone else noticed that most prison movies have an evil Warden who gets his comeuppance in the last reel? But I guess you really can’t make a movie about a nice warden who gets handmade gifts from his prisoners now, can you? Regardless, I would see it again given the opportunity. It had a cool movie poster too.

FRIGHT FACT! Kane (JASON) Hodder did the stunts! Woweee! -5/05

DOLLS /1987/ d: Stuart Gordon

Here is another interesting one directed by the Genre’s Most Lovable Shmoe, Stuart Gordon. Way before the Puppetmaster movies, good ‘ol Stu made his own killer doll flick and I personally like it better. A bunch of jerks and a sweet little girl get stranded in a terrible storm and need to wait it out in an eccentric yet pleasant dollmakers weird house. Jerks break the house rules, dolls get pissed off and come alive, wonderfully bizarre violence ensues. What’s really special about this movie is that it’s not straight horror per se, but more of a nasty, twisted little fairy tale. Like a kids movie for very scary children. There is a dreamlike quality to the cinematography that I liked, and a cast full of pricks begging for comeuppance. Man, I love comeuppance. It’s such a cool word. Not as cool as a woman turned into a life-size china doll that loses her eyeballs, but cool nonetheless! The effects may be a little dated but I feel it adds to the film’s charm. I’m sure it’s going to be released on DVD soon, so before you go eBay crazy check Best Buy or something.

FRIGHT FACT! This was written by Ed Naha, who also wrote C.H.U.D. 2: BUD THE CHUD, and for that he should be ashamed of himself! -5/05

I TRULY HOPED YOU ENJOYED YOUR VISIT TO THE VAULT OF THE FORGOTTEN AND OBSCURE! CHECK BACK HERE EVERY MONTH AS WE UNEARTH EVEN MORE TRAVESTIES AND DELIGHTS!

DO YOU HAVE A MOVIE YOU WOULD LIKE TO SEE IN THE VAULT, OR WOULD YOU LIKE TO CONTRIBUTE AN ANECDOTE OR SOME INFO TO ANY OF THE FILMS ABOVE? JUST CLICK THE LINK BELOW AND EMAIL ME!

JAY@ICONSOFFRIGHT.COM

WE WILL BE INCLUDING CONTRIBUTIONS FROM YOU, THE READERS, IN UPCOMING EDITIONS!

SEE YOU NEXT MONTH, JERKS!