September 30, 2005

September’s Triple Feature Picks by Mike C

JESUS H. CHRIST, HERE COMES THE RELIGIOUS HORROR MOVIE AGAIN

I’m not going to throw stones at THE EXORCISM OF EMILY ROSE because I haven’t seen it yet. However, I’m sure that a strong opening weekend and a few extra bucks over the next few weeks will ensure that numerous “religious” horror projects will be green lit. A look back to the films that came out in the wake of the successes of ROSEMARY’S BABY and THE EXORCIST in the late 60’s and 70’s shows we can probably expect a lot of Holy Shit.

Here’s a sampling:

BEYOND THE DOOR (1974): I swear to god this movie features a woman spinning on her bed like a top. Who spins her right round? Her baby. Right round like a record? Her baby. Right round, right round. As best as I can remember, Juliet Mill’s unborn baby is possessed by the devil. This causes her to vomit pea soup, curse too much. Her head also spins around. It’s so much an “Exorcist” rip-off that Warner Bros. famously sued the producers for plagiarism. A milestone in crap cinema. From Italy, of course.

THE SENTINEL (1977): Former model and 3-year “Battle of the Network Stars!” contestant Christina Raines moves into the cheapest brownstone in Brooklyn. Why such a deal? Could it be all the dead criminals living in the other apartments, or the ash-white mutants that come out of The Gate To Hell in the basement. Or both? Famous for it’s “Who Was” and “Who Would Be” cast: Ava Gardner (as a dead lesbian murderer), Beverly D’Angelo (who masturbates in spandex), Burgess Meredith (as cheerfully deceased fancier of both cat and bird), Chris Sarandon, Jerry Orbach, Christopher Walken, John Carradine. This thing is cast like a disaster movie. Also famous for casting real-life cancer patients as mutants from hell. Cheers!

THE ANTICHRIST: 1974’s other Italian “Exorcist” rip-off. This time Mr. Lord of Flies inhabits the body of a paralyzed woman with a penchant for killing Boy Scouts and incest. The scene where said paralyzed woman straddles her legs up on the dinner table and shouts, “You’re all afraid, you stinking pots of shit!” is a personal favorite of mine.

Honorable Mention:

THE MANITOU (1978): I’ve already reviewed this in the DVD section, but it’s totally worth mentioning again. Susan Strasberg becomes possessed by an ancient Native American god who rebirths himself out of her back and re-emerges into this world in the form of…a slimy brown midget? A slimy brown midget that Tony Curtis throws a typewriter at? Because the soul of typewriter can destroy it? No…really. That’s what happens. The floating 80 year old lady, frozen nurses, and tits are just a bonus.