October 1, 2006

WELCOME TO THE VAULT OF THE FORGOTTEN AND OBSCURE!!!

ALTHOUGH THESE OVERLOOKED FOOTNOTES OF MOVIEDOM HAVE BEEN LOST IN THE ANNULS OF FILM HISTORY, THEY STILL EXIST IN THE MEMORY OF OUR CINEMATIC SUBCONCIOUS!

THESE ARE THE FILMS YOU DONT REMEMBER THE NAMES OF, BUT ARE SURE YOU SAW THEM!

THESE ARE THE FILMS WHO’S TV SPOTS SCARED YOU WHEN YOU WERE A CHILD!

THESE ARE THE FILMS THAT WERE MADE IN A TIME WHEN MOST OF THE COUNTRY WAS COKED UP!

SOME ARE HITS. MOST ARE MISSES. BUT EVEN THE FAILURES ARE SO SPECTACULAR, THEY CANNOT BE DENIED!

DO YOU DARE ENTER THE VAULT OF THE FORGOTTEN AND OBSCURE??? READ ON, AT YOUR OWN PERIL! -JSYN.

10/06: The Vault of the Forgotten and Obscure HALLOWEEN SPECIAL!!!

Hey Jerks,

Jsyn here in this most wonderful time of year! Ahhh, go ahead and breathe it in… the air is crisp with a hint of that awesome wood burning fireplace smell. Hoodies are once again all the rage. Candy prices shoot skyward as the value of flip-flops plummets (unless yer a dirty hippie that is). Yes friends, it’s Hallowe’en time again, and that’s the way I’m gonna spell it. Nothing like ye olde tyme spelling and grammar. It makes me yearn for a simpler time when folks took this holiday seriously, not like the cloned iKids of today.

Back in the day, you would spend months planning your costume. This was because the only alternative was a crappy plastic mask and attractive smock combo your Mom would buy at the local Woolworth’s. Case in point, the best homemade costume I ever had (Indiana Jones! Yeah!) Versus the store-bought worst (Scooby fucking Doo. Thanks Ma).

Trick or Treating was planned out with military precision. Intelligence gathering, reconnaissance, and field communication were applied and carried out to ensure the best haul. We literally used to dump garbage bags of candy out on my living room floor. Our only natural enemy: High School Seniors. Those mullet headed, Cavaricci wearing, IROC driving dicks that terrorized us unmercifully with shaving cream and rotten eggs. There were also rumors of fire extinguishers filled with piss and/or Nair, but we had the good fortune never to encounter such atrocities.

Another part of the yearly ritual was the “Halloween Special”. This was when your favorite TV show, cartoon, toy or breakfast cereal was granted an often-time cheaply made, Halloween themed spin-off televised event. Sometimes they would even make up a whole new special or movie-of-the-week without the corporate tie-in. Believe me, I watched them all and I relished every inane minute of programming.

In honor of this, my most favorite time of year and also as a sad tribute to days gone by, I’d like to share with you some of my favorite Halloween specials.

Mr.Boogedy /1986/ d: Oz Scott

BOOGEDY, BOOGEDY BOO! Holy fucking shit that was scary! I mean, no it wasn’t. At all. To anyone. Ever. It wasn’t even scary when I was a kid. Mr. Boogey was some ghost dude with a pizza face that floated around spouting that insipid catch-phrase. The thing was we didn’t actually get to see Mr.Boogedy until the last 3 minutes of the show. Everything prior to that is a hazy blur, probably because unless there was a cool looking, pizza-faced ghost dude on the television I could give a shit less. This was also a Disney production, which makes it even more horrifying. I remember Kristy Swanson was in this as “The Daughter” and she was one of the first girls I “had feelings for” at that young age. Also appearing in this Halloween Craptacular Classic were Bud Bundy and Gomez Adams.

Another interesting note: a year later, a sequel called “Bride of Boogedy” was aired. I never saw it because I guess I realized at that age I was too cool for watching bullshit Disney Halloween baby crap and graduated to more adult horror fare. Do yourself a big favor and DON’T hunt this down on eBay just because you haven’t thought of this movie in years and now your interest is piqued and you know, when you get in that mode you just gotta have it right now no matter how much it is and then you spend way too much money on a crap homemade DVD from a crappier 10 th generation vhs master and realize as soon as you put it on what a fucking piece of shit this nugget of Halloween nostalgia really is. True story. –jsyn. -10/06

The Midnight Hour /1985/ d: Jack Bender

Now here is one that I remember being kinda cool and would actually like to see again. It involved a witch, a curse, some kinda spell book, a Dracula, a dentist, a cheerleader from the Fifties and some zombies. I think the zombies had a song and dance sequence but hey, it was the age of “Thriller”. This above average Halloween made-for-TV movie sported an all-star cast with the likes of Shari Belafonte, LeVar Burton, Peter DeLuise, Michelle Pfieffer’s sister, Dick Van Patten, Wolfman Jack, and my personal favorite, Kurtwood (Clarence Boddiker) Smith. Some years ago, Anchor Bay put this out on video and DVD. Of course now it’s totally out of print and like $100 on eBay. I’d never pay that because I’m sure my cousin has it on VHS from when he taped it off TV somewhere. That kid never throws anything away… Fuck, I bet he has Mr. Boogedy too. Damn you eBay! –jsyn. -10/06

Disney Halloween Treat/Legend Of Sleepy Hollow

No matter how old you get, there are some things that are timeless. I’m sure one day when I have a Li’l Bastard myself, we’ll sit down one spooky October night and watch this one, like my Mom and Dad did with me. This was a collection of clips from all the cool spooky bits in various Disney movies and shows. And everyone knows the tale of Ichabod Crane and the Headless Horseman of Sleepy Hollow. I believe this was one of the most eerie, atmospheric pieces of animation Disney ever produced since Fantasia. Which is ironic considering this was more chill-inducing than Mr. fucking Boogedy. I can only attest this to Uncle Walt’s dark side and the Mormons taking control of the company after his death. I don’t remember if these aired together, but I do recall something with live-action bumpers featuring actor Jonathan Winters made up with a pumpkin head. At least I think it was. I’m not sure I’ve seen that version of the Disney Halloween Special anywhere since it first aired, but I know you can find the Legend of Sleepy Hollow pretty easily. Off to Netflix! –jsyn. -10/06

The Paul Lynde Halloween Special /1976/ d: Sidney Smith

Foppish comedian Paul Lynde. Donny and Marie, Bettie White, Mrs. Brady, Witchiepoo from H.R. Pufnstuff, Pinky Tuscadero, The Wicked Witch of the West, with performances from the rock band KISS. Thinly veiled sexual innuendo. Me, 3 years old. Enough said. –jsyn. -10/06

Fat Albert’s Halloween Special /1977/ d: Hal Sutherland

Poor Fat Albert. His glandular problem prevented him from fitting into that Brown Hornet costume Granny made for him before she died, and now it’s up to the gang to help him lose weight so he can wear it in time for Halloween.

Nah, it’s totally not about that.

It’s fucking Fat Albert, what do you expect? I’m sure there was a moral lesson in there where the gang learns the true spirit of Halloween or something.

Maybe that was the Christmas special? I’m pretty sure he even had an Easter special. Whatever. All I wanna know is when BET is gonna re-run this. One can only hope. –jsyn. -10/06