June 1, 2005

WELCOME TO THE VAULT OF THE FORGOTTEN AND OBSCURE!!!

ALTHOUGH THESE OVERLOOKED FOOTNOTES OF MOVIEDOM HAVE BEEN LOST IN THE ANNULS OF FILM HISTORY, THEY STILL EXIST IN THE MEMORY OF OUR CINEMATIC SUBCONCIOUS!

THESE ARE THE FILMS YOU DONT REMEMBER THE NAMES OF, BUT ARE SURE YOU SAW THEM!

THESE ARE THE FILMS WHO’S TV SPOTS SCARED YOU WHEN YOU WERE A CHILD!

THESE ARE THE FILMS THAT WERE MADE IN A TIME WHEN MOST OF THE COUNTRY WAS COKED UP!

SOME ARE HITS. MOST ARE MISSES. BUT EVEN THE FAILURES ARE SO SPECTACULAR, THEY CANNOT BE DENIED!

DO YOU DARE ENTER THE VAULT OF THE FORGOTTEN AND OBSCURE??? READ ON, AT YOUR OWN PERIL! -JSYN.

THE BOOGENS /1982/ d: James L.Conway

What do miners fear more than dead canaries? THE BOOOOOOGENS! They are hideous monsters that live way down deep in the mines! They were sealed up in the mines decades ago, according to the token old codger that knows all about the BOOGENS, but no one will listen to. And now, through clever plot devices (dynamite), THEY’RE BACK! Luckily for the hungry BOOGENS, there is a house full of teenagers right near the old mines just beggin to be eaten! Look, I don’t know what the fuck a “Boogens” is. Could it be a Sharkturtle? Could it be a pissed-off rock that attacks miner?. Don’t know, don’t care. Allas, I know is THE BOOGENS was a movie that scared me when I was a kid. I was also scared of the Hamburglar when I was a kid. Today, I am older and wiser and know that there is nothing to fear from THE BOOGENS, or for the most part, the Hamburglar. What disturbs me most about THE BOOGENS is that I can still vividly remember this asinine brainfart of a movie from over twenty years ago, but cannot for the life of me remember the name of the girl I lost my virginity to. And I still don’t trust that fucking hamburglar.

FRIGHT FACT! Director James L. Conway has a career steeped in only the ripest of ’80’s chesse, including stints on MacGuyver, Matt Houston, HUNTER, and the future vault pick, HANGAR 18! -This suggestion comes from reader Tony C. -6/05

BLUE MONKEY /1987/ d: William Fruet

This movie answers the age-old question: Are there bugs on other planets? Apparently so, the only difference is that they call ’em “monkeys” on other planets. What the hell do they call monkeys then? Do they even have monkeys on other planets? That is a question best left for the sequel. BLUE MONKEY was for the most part a fun homage to the “terrifying giant _______ on the loose” movies of the glorious Fifties. In this case, “bug” would fill that blank. I think it was a big grasshopper maybe? I honestly don’t remember all the specifics because I haven’t seen this movie since I rented it from Six Star Video. And take my word for it, that was a REALLY long time ago. I would very much like to see this one again sometime, because I kind of doubt it will ever be released on dvd.

FRIGHT FACT! The original working title of this movie was “Green Monkey”. Duh. -6/05

GHOST TOWN /1988/ d: Richard Govener

From what I remember, this was a pretty cool movie and like BLUE MONKEY, I haven’t seen it since I rented it twentysomething years ago. Wanna guess what this one’s about? Real simple-like… ghost cowboys! We’ve all seen how fucking AWESOME ghost pirates can be thanks to PIRATES OF THE CARRIBEAN, and honestly I think ghost cowboys are like a million times more awesome. Sure ghost cowboys have popped up before in such dreck as HOUSE 2: THE SECOND STORY, but those dudes were horseshit compared to the badasses in GHOST TOWN. They bled dust when you shot ’em! THAT is SOOO FUCKING COOL! Man, I never say this but I would LOVE to see this on DVD one day. Maybe I can use my AMAZING POWER OF INTERNET JOURNALISM to influence the big shots over at Anchor Bay to shell out a few hunny thou for the rights, then another half a mil to remaster, repackage, reproduce and advertise a Special Edition Director’s Cut of GHOST TOWN…which I will then immediately rent on the first day it’s released, and most likely rip apart in a future Vault review because the odds are it won’t be as good as I remember it. Hey, I’m just being honest here.

FRIGHT FACT! The main badass ghost cowboy was played by an actor named Jimmie F. Skaggs. How fucking awesome is THAT dude’s name? -6/05

CURSE OF THE BLUE LIGHTS /1988/ d: John Henry Johnson

Have you ever seen something so stupid, it actually makes you dumber? Me have! It called CURSE OF THE BLUE LIGHTS!

FRIGHT FACT! … and that my friends, is me being polite. -6/05

I TRULY HOPED YOU ENJOYED YOUR VISIT TO THE VAULT OF THE FORGOTTEN AND OBSCURE! CHECK BACK HERE EVERY MONTH AS WE UNEARTH EVEN MORE TRAVESTIES AND DELIGHTS!

DO YOU HAVE A MOVIE YOU WOULD LIKE TO SEE IN THE VAULT, OR WOULD YOU LIKE TO CONTRIBUTE AN ANECDOTE OR SOME INFO TO ANY OF THE FILMS ABOVE? JUST CLICK THE LINK BELOW AND EMAIL ME!

JAY@ICONSOFFRIGHT.COM

WE WILL BE INCLUDING CONTRIBUTIONS FROM YOU, THE READERS, IN UPCOMING EDITIONS!

SEE YOU NEXT MONTH, JERKS!