September 1, 2005

WELCOME TO THE VAULT OF THE FORGOTTEN AND OBSCURE!!!

ALTHOUGH THESE OVERLOOKED FOOTNOTES OF MOVIEDOM HAVE BEEN LOST IN THE ANNULS OF FILM HISTORY, THEY STILL EXIST IN THE MEMORY OF OUR CINEMATIC SUBCONCIOUS!

THESE ARE THE FILMS YOU DONT REMEMBER THE NAMES OF, BUT ARE SURE YOU SAW THEM!

THESE ARE THE FILMS WHO’S TV SPOTS SCARED YOU WHEN YOU WERE A CHILD!

THESE ARE THE FILMS THAT WERE MADE IN A TIME WHEN MOST OF THE COUNTRY WAS COKED UP!

SOME ARE HITS. MOST ARE MISSES. BUT EVEN THE FAILURES ARE SO SPECTACULAR, THEY CANNOT BE DENIED!

DO YOU DARE ENTER THE VAULT OF THE FORGOTTEN AND OBSCURE??? READ ON, AT YOUR OWN PERIL! -JSYN.

TERRORVISION / d: Ted Nicolaou /1986

In honor of this movie I made a rap song about my favorite monster ever, The Hungrybeast.

..ahem..

(Human Beatbox intro: A WIKKI WIKKI WIKKI…)
The Hungrybeast!
It comes from some other dimension
The Hungrybeast!
It lives in your TV
The Hungrybeast!
It’s totally gonna eat ya
The Hungrybeast!
Hey sucka, better you than me
(Human Beatbox outro: A WIKKI WIKKI WAKK!)
This movie is as good as my flow is tight, ya herrd.
This is embarrassing on so many levels. -9/05

(*editor’s note: The character of OD is played by Jon Gries, also known as “Uncle Rico”)

THE CHANGELING / d: Peter Medak/ 1980

I just had so much fun watching crap movies till my eyes bled, I totally forgot about those underrated GEMS of my collection! It’s true… there are actual worthy movies in the Vault, but why eat steak when you can gnaw on gas station jerky? Anyway, THE CHANGELING was an oops-I-crapped-my-pants-fuck you-this-shit-is-scary movie that should never be watched at night when you are home alone. Worlds Greatest Thespian George C. Scott plays a lonely guy with a tragic past who moves into a giant fucking house that’s, get this, HAUNTED! Apparently, by the ghost of a child, which makes it even worse and at the same time proves not all ghost children are Japanese. This is classic old-school scare filmmaking in it’s purest form. It’s all mood, atmosphere, lighting, pacing, composition, pure fucking talent if ya ask me! There are so many boxer-browning moments you literally dread the next scene in the house because you know something fucked up is gonna happen. That image of the red ball bouncing down the staircase out of the darkness makes me throw up with fright to this day. I was always scared of what’s at the TOP of the stairs when I was a kid because of this movie. Ok, so I’m still scared of the top of the stairs, but so what? When you watch this movie, heed my word campers, you will be too! -9/05

Let’s break from the norm for a little bit and take a look at two favorite Vault pics from other genres:

MAC AND ME / d: Stewart Raffill /1988

When I have a party, and it’s late and I want all those drunkies to get out of my house, I don’t yell or threaten to call the cops and/or immigration. I just walk over to the VCR and put on MAC AND ME. I don’t even have to turn the volume up. People just look at it for a minute or two, and then miraculously, they are overcome with the urge to exit premises immediately. This movie was produced by fucking McDonalds. The fast food restaurant. No, really! This movie is also useful if you want your girlfriend to break up with you. -9/05

(*editor’s note: Mike C. is highly offended that Jsyn neglected to mention the musical number, set at McDonalds, featuring break-dancers, football players, and ballerinas.)

MEGAFORCE / d: Hal Needham / 1982

I can think of nothing more horrifying than Barry Bostwick in a flesh colored spandex bodysuit and Kip Winger haircut. This is one of my favorite movies ever. -9/05

I TRULY HOPED YOU ENJOYED YOUR VISIT TO THE VAULT OF THE FORGOTTEN AND OBSCURE! CHECK BACK HERE EVERY MONTH AS WE UNEARTH EVEN MORE TRAVESTIES AND DELIGHTS!

DO YOU HAVE A MOVIE YOU WOULD LIKE TO SEE IN THE VAULT, OR WOULD YOU LIKE TO CONTRIBUTE AN ANECDOTE OR SOME INFO TO ANY OF THE FILMS ABOVE? JUST CLICK THE LINK BELOW AND EMAIL ME!

JAY@ICONSOFFRIGHT.COM

WE WILL BE INCLUDING CONTRIBUTIONS FROM YOU, THE READERS, IN UPCOMING EDITIONS!

SEE YOU NEXT MONTH, JERKS!