May 31, 2006

Triple Feature Picks May 2006: Memorial Day Massacres by Mike C

Listen up, maggots! You little scumbags! I got your name, I got your ass! You will not laugh, you will not cry, you will go out and watch this month’s military inspired trilogy picks!

ALIENS: While some might argue that James Cameron previously delivered the goods in the form of fish experimented on by the military in “Piranha 2: Flying Killer”, I think he really hit his stride with 1986’s “Aliens”. It’s really the movie “Piranha 2” should have been. But seriously, while this straddles the line as more of a sci-fi/action flick than a true horror outing, almost nothing in the “military monster fight” genre (which this film pretty much created) has nearly come close in terms of action, FX, score, and total ass kicking ferocity. I shouldn’t say this, but I will: This movie is perfect. As many times as it’s been imitated (“Predator”, “Pitch Black”, “Doom”) it’s never been topped. I mean, can you really say this movie looks 20 years old? There isn’t a dated frame in it (ok, ok, Paul Reiser as a bad guy…maybe).

THE CRAZIES: Speaking of dated frames…Ok, admittedly, this film hasn’t aged as well, but, if cinematically it’s a little old fashioned and very early 70’s, thematically it’s very relevant to today. The military has been tinkering around with some new biological weapon, when, of course, something springs a leak and sends it to a quiet rural suburban town. It doesn’t melt you, it doesn’t reanimate the dead, and it doesn’t make Morgan Freeman show up in a camo jumpsuit*. It just makes you…crazy. Slowly, it turns you against yourself in a way, makes you either violent or just catatonic. Creepy stuff. Creepier stuff begins when the military shows up to “help” the town: Cue Morgan Freeman! No, not really, but you know the deal. George Romero’s visuals of military personnel in all white biohazard suits rounding up innocent civilians comes eerily close to stuff we’re used to seeing everyday on the evening news. CUE MORGAN FREEMAN!

THE NAVY VS. THE NIGHT MONSTERS: And on a lighter note…here’s some schlocky piece of movie junk from 1966. Not that I’ve seen it, I just figured I’d want to see a movie starring Mamie Van Doren that was filmed in 10 days and appears to be about killer tree stumps. Wouldn’t you? Dangerous trees, eh? Reminds me of a tree I once had a talk with. I was all like, “I wouldn’t go in there if I were you”, and he was all like, “Why not, what’s wrong with a little fun in the dark at Adventureland?” Fuckin’ trees.