January 1, 2007

THE VAULT – JANUARY 2007 EDITION!!!

Hey Jerks,

Since my last post, a strange and exhilarating thing has happened. I have watched, no… experienced some truly great films. I’m talking GREAT, in the sense that these films made water leak from mine eyes. Are these the “tears” humans speak of? My cold, withered heart, once two sizes too small, grew and swelled two sizes too big with emotion and inspiration. If you take a peek at my TOP 15 OF 2006, you’ll see what I’m talking about. CHILDREN OF MEN especially took my breath away. It’s simply sublime, incredibly moving, and technically one of the most impressive films I have ever seen. The level of craftsmanship involved in making this film at first humbled me and then, inspired me to aspire to that level of greatness in my own work. Yes, this film stirred something so deep within my soul, I began to re-evaluate every decision I have ever made concerning artistic film making!

And then I watched ONE DARK NIGHT / 1983 / d: Tom McLoughlin

Our story begins with a “sorority” consisting of one annoying blonde girl, one African-American girl who constantly has a toothbrush in her mouth and a very cute Dottie from PEE-WEE’S BIG ADVENTURE. We know they are a sorority because they have matching satin jackets with “SISTERS” embroidered on the back. That got me thinking about how I would like to have a nice embroidered satin jacket. Maybe an ICONS OF FRIGHT team jacket with our names embroidered on the front and the logo on the back. I really think in this day and age, embroidery is fast becoming a lost art, and we should all do our part, whenever possible, to keep the craft alive. Just the word itself: embroidery… rolls right off the tongue. EMBROIDERY. Ahhh.

Oh right, the movie. Anyway, some goody little two-shoes wants to show how badass she is so she decides to “pledge” the sorority but she is going out with annoying blonde girl’s ex-boyfriend so annoying blonde girl tells goody little two-shoes that she’s gotta spend the night locked in the local mausoleum for her initiation then girl with the toothbrush gives her some Quaaludes to sleep but they are really tabs of acid or some shit so she trips out and annoying blonde girl and toothbrush girl break into the mausoleum to try and scare her Scooby-Doo style so she’ll break initiation and not pledge because annoying blonde is still chuffed about goody little two-shoes dating her ex-boyfriend BUT, and now pay attention here kids, BUT there just happens to be a PSYCHIC MADMAN recently buried in said mausoleum who uses his awesome psychic powers to return from the grave and re-animate the bodies of the dead but what we really get are some shots of what appears to be whatever corpse props the FX guys had left over from their last, higher-paying gig with mealy worms stuck on ‘em, being “puppeted” by having some grip hold the stick they were mounted on just out of frame and attack, and I use that term loosely, our gals until the hunky (?) captain of the basketball team BF shows up to rescue (?) them, but it’s really the PSYCHIC MADMAN’S daughter (who is married to Adam West, in probably the most subdued role of his career) that re-kills her own Dad with a mirror compact. The End.

Now don’t get me wrong, CHILDREN OF MEN is an excellent film… but THIS is quality, made-in-the-Eighties, life-affirming entertainment. These films are like that skanky whore you used to date who totally puts out… the one you end up going back to after you date that pretty-in-her-own way, intelligent, nice girl who breaks up with you when she finds out that you lied about really liking her poetry. This is a fart-in-the-bed-after-sex comfort lay. Find it on Amazon or just ask me and I’ll lend you the VHS my buddy Bryan gave me.