December 2, 2005

By Mike C.

So, what’s the future of the “Halloween” series with the tragic killing of long-time producer Moustapha Akkad? Love him or hate him, Akkad kept the “Halloween” series running for nearly 30 years despite box-office ups and downs, through a series of fairly consistent, albeit sometimes ridiculous sequels. Now the Keeper of the Mask has passed, what will future “Halloween” sequels look like? There are a number of possibilities I’d like to explore…

One possibility is the return of John Carpenter. We know Debra Hill didn’t get along with Akkad, and perhaps that would be the real reason Carpenter has shied away from returning to his creation all these years.

How do I see John Carpenter returning to “Halloween”? Screw Jamie Lee Curtis. Michael Myers needs a new nemesis. No rappers. No 75 year old actors. No siree… We need Snake Plisskin in “John Carpenter’s Escape from Haddonfield.” I also suggest putting Keith David behind the mask. Haddonfield. Kurt Russell. Keith David. It’d be like a trifecta of John Carpenter amazing. The shame is that this film would ultimately fail at the box-office only to be appreciated exactly 10 years after its release.

You what I was also thinking? What if you just got another studio to pick up the Halloween series? New Line brought “Friday the 13th” from Paramount. There are a number of ways I can see New Line Cinema putting their stamp on the “Halloween” franchise:

–In 2007 Dr. Loomis (Mike Myers) uses a time portal to travel back to disco-licious 1978, seeks the help of Studio 54 owner Steve Rubell (Mike Myers) to help stop sadistic serial killer Michael Myers (Mike Myers) from murdering babysitters in a quiet Illinois town of Haddonfield.

–“Michael Vs. Frodo”: Peter Jackson will direct as seemingly invincible army of tens of thousands of crossbow-bearing CGI babysitters are systematically murdered by a 15 foot tall heavily armored man in a white mask.

Ok, that’s ridiculous, but what if one of the studios treating horror seriously was able to get their hands on “Halloween”?

Would Lionsgate do right by “Halloween”? They could probably help it look a lot darker than the recent sequels. I doubt we’d have to worry about any aging former hip-hop stars looking to advance their acting career. They’re sticking strictly to aging boy-band members. “This is Lion’s Gate Films calling Joey Fatone. Would you mind saying “We’re talking about evil on two legs” for us? Just once?”

The other possibility is that it’s time to consider retiring this tired series of films for once. Rob G. wrote an article earlier this year on “Sequel or Remake.” How about neither, for a few years at least. Myers is pretty much about ready to collect Social Security. I mean, this guy’s been shot, stabbed in the neck, stabbed in the eye, hit with a bazooka, run over, burned alive, sat in a coma. He’s going to have one hell of an arthritis problem and killing teenagers and stealing their wallet is not going to pay those prescription drug bills, Mr. Myers.

It’s time that Michael Myers hung up the jumpsuit, took off the mask and retired to the Home For Retired Movie Monsters. Give him a room next to Dracula, let him take arts and crafts with The Creature, play pinochle with Norman Bates and let this franchise go. – Mike C.