February 18, 2016

Since I’ve had Harry Warden on the brain all week after my epic double feature of MY BLOODY VALENTINE 3-D with the original uncut version of the 1981 cult classic, it seemed only fitting that I devote this week’s edition of “Character Showdown” to the infamous pickaxed miner! But I want to do something a little different. You see, by the nature of the story in both versions, we’re told the legend of Harry Warden (only slightly different in each) and then for the majority of the films, we’re left to ponder if the murderer is in fact the returned Harry Warden or someone else taking up his name and mantle to orchestrate the Valentine’s inspired murders. On the off chance you’re reading this and you haven’t seen either of the movies, I don’t want to flat out give away the identity of the killer, because that’s half the fun. But what we can do is look at all the creative deaths in both MY BLOODY VALENTINE (1981) and MY BLOODY VALENTINE 3-D, stack them up next to each other and decide which version of Harry Warden was more bad-ass based upon their preferred method of dispatching their victims! Sound fun? Let’s take a look at the stats! MY BLOODY VALENTINE 1981 version. Body count: 10. Most creative kills: Pushed on a spike, stuffed in a laundry drier, pickaxed under the chin and through the eye, boiled in hot dog water, impaled by drill during sex, nail gunned in the head and my personal favorite – impaled on a shower head! Ouch!

MY BLOODY VALENTINE 3D 2009 version. Body count: 31! (Not including the 5 miners mentioned at the top.) Best kills: Stabbed through the eye with pickax, head cut in half with a shovel, stabbed with a pickax from the top of a head, impaled by a pickax from the bottom up and electrocuted into a light bulb, impaled with heart removed and the epic impaling with the bottom jaw ripped off. That’s gotta hurt!

The original movie has the more drawn out and nasty deaths. Whereas the remake ups the body count and is excessive, but fun! In the original, you audibly say “oooo” after each kill, whereas in the remake, you cheer because it’s ridiculous and awesome. The shovel for example it pretty creative, but so is the impaling into the shower head. This is a tough call, fiends. What do you say? Which MY BLOODY VALENTINE has the better kills?