March 9, 2016

Sometimes, there are characters in genre pictures that are so darned righteous and awesome, you can’t stop thinking about them or their amazing feats long after the movie is over. This column is dedicated to those cinematic bad-asses that keep us coming back for more. And once again, I’m dipping into a comedy that features the biggest horror fan to come out of any 80’s movie. That’s right, it’s time to give all of our respect to the one and only Morgan Stewart as portrayed by Jon Cryer in MORGAN STEWART’S COMING HOME!

For those of you old enough, you probably remember this movie as a regular staple of HBO’s non-stop airings, and no doubt if you were already known as the “weird kid” at school for loving horror movies, this is the one you would’ve related to the most. At least that’s how it was for me, personally. For the most part, Morgan is a pretty normal kid. He just loves horror and his entire room is covered with classic movie posters of all the best the genre has to offer, not to mention various masks, mechanical moving hands, hearts and even a TEXAS CHAIN SAW MASSACRE chainsaw, autographed by Tobe Hooper!

He wasn’t a goth. He wasn’t punk. He was just average. He was me.

In the movie, all he’s ever wanted was to have a close relationship with his parents, both prominent people in politics that shipped him off to boarding school as soon as he was old enough to go to school. Because of this, he’s fairly rambunctious and tends to play practical jokes, which has gotten him kicked out of several schools over the years. But one day, he finally gets the call to come home.

He’s naturally excited at the prospect of rekindling a relationship with his folks and also having his own room, kitchen that doesn’t close and a private bathroom, but their motives for bringing him home aren’t exactly genuine. His father, Senator Stewart is tracking poorly in the polls against his rival, and hence they decide to build a whole campaign around the idea that Stewart is a family man. Posters with an “insert kid here” in Morgan’s place are made up with the slogan “Vote For The Family.”

Morgan decides to play along and take up the challenge of winning them over and making them a family again, “even if it kills him.” At first, it’s by doing basic chores around the house to get their attention, but instead they incinerate (!) his massive horror collection. So heart breaking to know this is what became of this amazing memorabilia:

Things take a turn for the positive when he meets Emily, “Call me Em, you know, like in DIAL M FOR MURDER?” And of all places, he meets her while waiting in line to get George Romero’s autograph! Which is the way I’ve always wanted to meet my soulmate. (Alas, hasn’t happened yet.)

Their first date is to go see a late night screening of ATTACK OF THE KILLER TOMATOES! And even after getting grounded for “borrowing” his parents car, Em manages to track him down at his place and they end up in the shower together while wearing monster masks. Is that not the most romantic thing you’ve ever heard?

It turns out that the Stewart’s campaign manager Jay is actually a petty criminal and preparing to extort them for a lot of money to drop out of the election race. But not if Morgan has anything to say about it! He teams up with Em, wears a disguise and sneaks into his family’s press conference to try to turn the tables on Jay.

The reason I love Morgan is even though he’s a bit of a goof and a total horror nerd, all he wants to do is the right thing. He wants a good relationship with his parents. He wants the kind of gal that gets Hitchcock references and would want to see a midnight screening of ATTACK OF THE KILLER TOMATOES or that would go to the prom with him in monster masks.

He’s a genuinely good kid and when his family is threatened, he steps up to clear their name. I’ve always loved Morgan Stewart because I’ve always related to him. He’s the awkwardly funny horror dork that, deep down, we all are.

For that Morgan Stewart, you’ve earned this hashtag.

#RESPECT