February 11, 2016

Well… They say, when ya gotta go, you’ve got to go.

But if you have to go, does it have to be while on the toilet?!

Sadly for some movie victims, they don’t have a choice. I can think of no worse fate than having to expire while in the middle of peeing or pooping. The only question then is how? Eaten rear end first by a Ghoulie? Slashed to death by a mama’s boy? Melting into a colorful pile of goo? The bees! Oh God, no! Not the bees!

There’s no pleasant way around this. Let’s look at the five most horrific deaths on the bowl!

GHOULIES 2

Here’s a film franchise that advertises right on the poster that “they’ll get you in the end,” and features a green little critter coming out of a toilet. I don’t know about you, but ever since seeing the first two GHOULIE movies as a kid, I now always check the toilet before sitting down. If I have to go with a great toilet death, I’m going with sleazy Phil Hardin (J. Downing) from GHOULIES 2 for two reasons. One – he’s the douche villain of the movie and hence kind of deserves this horrible fate. And two – I love that in the middle of all the carnage and mayhem happening at the carnival, he needs to take a break to go poop. “Ghoulies are killing innocent people, but boy do I gotta go!” Sorry, Phil!

SLEEPAWAY CAMP

If there’s any lesson to be learned from 80’s horror movies, it’s that you should NOT be a bully. Why? Let’s take Billy, for example, from the original 1983 SLEEPAWAY CAMP. If you pick on Angela Baker or her cousin Ricky, then more than likely when you break to take a “wicked dump,” someone might drop a goddamned bee hive on your head so that you’ll be stung to death. Ouch! Those fine fiends at Scream Factory put this out on Blu-Ray a few years back in a brand new 2K scan, so you can watch Billy’s demise now in pristine high definition if you feel the need!

STREET TRASH

Oh boy. The 1987 cult classic STREET TRASH is unlike anything you’ve ever seen. And I think it rightfully earns the coveted title of “grossest movie ever.” Not just because of the gore, but there’s just some overall gross bat-shit craziness throughout the entire movie. In particular, pretty early on, a bum jumps and robs another bum of his bottle of booze! Only problem is a batch of deadly alcohol is out there that pretty much melts the drinker from the inside out and in the most gruesome of ways. So there’s nothing more horrific than sitting on the bowl, taking a sip of grandpa’s old cough medicine and then slowly and painfully turning into several multi-colored piles of goo! Just eww! By the way, Synapse Films put out a fully restored “special meltdown edition” of STREET TRASH on Blu-Ray. Do you really need this movie in high def? Why yes. Yes you do.

PSYCHO 3

This one is just mean! But as we’ve learned from all the other PSYCHO movies, “Mother” does not discriminate! Poor Patsy (Katt Shea) is part of a huge college party at the Bates Motel. It’s raining, there are drunk people running around and she dips out of sight to go pee real quick. As she’s on the bowl, “Mother” walks in. “Do you mind, sister? This is ocupado.” With a quick flash, Mother’s knife slashes her throat and then pierces her belly in easily the most graphic murder sequence of the entire PSYCHO franchise! Side-note: this was Katt Shea’s last acting role. After this, she went on to direct STRIPPED TO KILL 1 and 2, POISON IVY and THE RAGE: CARRIE 2!

FRIDAY THE 13TH PART 5: A NEW BEGINNING

Awe man! Everybody loves Demon, right?! Played by the great Miguel A. Nunez Jr., also of RETURN OF THE LIVING DEAD fame! If he hadn’t had one too many of those “damn enchiladas,” maybe he wouldn’t have had to rush into that gross shit box to take care of business. One minute, he’s humming his super catchy “Ooo baby” tune with his babe, next moment faux-Jason impales him with a metal rod on the toilet. Poor Demon. What a way to go!

And because I know you’re probably humming Demon’s “Ooo Baby” melody right about now, I’ll leave you with that video clip! Next time you’re on the toilet, beware!